Talk[ing] Dirty to Me

You all know that song, right?

(if you don't, its ok, don't listen to it)

I have had this on my mind lately and I feel its important enough to share as I feel I am probably not the only one thinking it.

The other day, I had just finished a workout, I had no makeup on and I was out with my kids who just needed to get some wiggles out.

We were riding bikes and I seriously had no problem being outside without makeup on or my hair in a frizzy ponytail because I knew I wasn't going to really see anyone.

But then what happens? 

Yep, I saw someone I know.

Actually 2 people.

Instantly I felt and thought,
 "I look like a pile of crap.
And I stink.
And my house is a giant mess.
And I knew I should've stayed inside!"

Trying to hide behind my shades, as I spoke with this person I admire, 

I saw that she had no judgment towards me.

She didn't care that I looked terrible,

at least she didn't put out any vibes that made me feel like I was being judged.

And then the thought I wanted to share is,
"If she doesn't care, then why do I?"

That thought has been resonating with me,

and it has led me to think that I am my own worst enemy.
I have set myself up for self detonation!

When I feel fat, or out of shape,

when I feel ugly,

when I feel like makeup makes me more beautiful,

when my wardrobe is just no longer tolerable and I have NOTHING to wear,

I've learned that I physically start to feel sick.

It is just a vicious cycle and here it goes,

"I look fat today."

which leads to

"I have nothing to wear!"

which leads to

"I am ugly. I need to go put on my makeup"

which leads to

"I am being a bad mom because I don't want anyone to see me when I look like this so I'm not going anywhere!"

which leads to

"I am a terrible wife because I didn't have dinner done by 5:30"

which leads to

"I'm a terrible person because I am not organized like pinterest says I should be"

which leads to 

"I should workout and eat so I can look like that!"

which leads to

"I'm a terrible person! I need to go back to bed!"

SEE?!

Sad right?

But here is what I've learned.

When I wake up and walk into my bathroom,

I look in the mirror and say, "Good morning Alicia! You look beautiful!"

Then magically, I have a good hair day, 

I have a good workout,

I have a good time playing with my kids,

and my husband thinks I look nice.

I'm not on edge because I hate myself,

I'm more patient with my kids and my hubby.

I feel good about myself because I just did good for myself.

Here is my motto:
FEEL GOOD, DO GOOD.

I may not be 100% awesome everyday and have a clean house all day,

Nor are my children golden and perfect, shiny and clean.

But I'm not miserable.

I don't feel miserable because I walked passed that full body mirror.

I'm not tearing myself down and avoiding doing the important things

because suddenly I am exhausted because that's how I look and made myself feel.

So what's my point?

Stop talking dirty to yourself.

Stop beating yourself up!

If I were to see you without makeup on and in sweat pants,

I probably wouldn't think twice about it and probably just be a little jealous that you look so good dressed down!

Enough with the "I NEED to go put on my makeup!

I have NOTHING wear!

I feel FAT."

Because you know what, it's just not true!

You are beautiful.

You are inspiring.

And you are more than you think you are!

Talk beautifully to yourself.

You owe it to yourself.

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Riding Tandem

My friend, Andrea, and I have been planning to go ride bikes since the weather got warm

We kept saying we'd go, and then the week would be over and we'd start again.

Finally, we made it happen.

We set up a time and put it on our calendars.

The date was set.

I didn't really know what to expect other than she told me she had a tandem bike we could ride.

So my first thought is that we'd be riding a cruiser tandem with pink baskets, and take a lovely stroll around the neighborhoods and chat the day away.

I had told her I saw this AMAZING tandem street bike at the bike festival over the weekend and she chuckled as she told me that's what she had.

Immediately I knew I was in for a workout and treat.

The beautiful morning came and we set out for North Logan.

We unloaded the bike off the trailer, got our water bottles set and helmets adjusted.

She put on her sweet rearview mirror on her glasses,

and we took off.

Suddenly she realized that tires were flat and we needed to circle around and pump them up.

Again, we prepared ourselves and took off.

Side note, I have a fear of riding fast on bikes.  I had two terrible bike accidents as a child and left my face mangled and sent me into surgery.

I have always wanted to race bikes, but thought that it was something I'd just admire because I'd probably crash and couldn't do it.

Andrea was on the front of the bike, steering and leading,

 and I was the back just pedaling my little booty away to try and keep up with her.

We rode up through some neighborhoods and found ourselves on a very slight hill.

She probably thought I was going into cardiac arrest as I panted and deep breathed in and out trying to pedal uphill.

We finally made it uphill and then she wanted to show me some other areas, so we headed for the bigger hills.  I had driven up this one area, and actually thought how hard it'd be to bike.

That same hill, she wanted to head up.

EEK.

I saw it and she said, "Ok, I'm gonna really need you to push hard.  We're gonna do this!"

I just yelled, "I can't look!"

"Keep your eyes on the ground or on your feet and just give me all you got!" She shouted.

She steered and my legs were on fire.

I kept saying, "You can do this Alicia! You can do this!"

We made it up about half the hill and then she turned the bike around and said, 

"We'll get this one next time!"

My heart leapt for joy and I thought, phew. I'm exhausted.

We started pedaling as fast as our legs would go and then coasted for a good couple of minutes.

She clocked us going at 31mph.

The wind in my face, my achy legs taking a rest and the beauty of the countryside was around us.

I could hear the birds singing and I just felt like life was perfect.

We zoomed past cars and they admired our awesome teamwork and bike, and I didn't want it to end.

We rode probably for 40 minutes, pedaling for the majority of the time.

I was exhausted and also so invigorated that I didn't know if I was ready for our ride to be over.

There were times that I was thinking, I'm so glad she is steering. I wouldn't know where to go, how to take this turn or that turn, what was in front of me or behind me.

She was a great leader and showed me that her sport was a thrill and beautiful.

When we pulled in to load up our bike, I was already making arrangements to go again and how I could prepare myself.  Squats and lunges, leg press and cycling at the gym.

I'd be ready for that hill next time!

We snapped a pic and headed home.

Throughout the whole ride, I kept feeling like I needed to take note of what was going on.

The gospel principles kept ringing through my head.

And I was able to put together an unrefined analogy.

First, my dear friend Andrea has always something insightful to say. She's a great example to me.

And when she invited me to "Be Friends" I was excited!

I knew much was to be learned from her.

So there was a desire from us both.

She wanted to show me the ropes, and teach me the beauty of bike riding.

And I wanted to be her friend and face my fear and do it.

This is similar with us and our Heavenly Father.

He wants to be with us, to show us how to do things, and show us the beauty that life has to offer.

We need to have a desire to have Him in our life.

And then we must act.  

We must plan to meet with Him, to set aside time where we know we can learn from Him.

Second, she came prepared to lead me.

She knew I was a beginner bike rider.

She armed herself with a rearview mirror to see any dangers that could happen.

She adjusted my helmet and checked out the bike for any future danger.

She also was in front of me, guiding me, directing our paths, and knew when to apply the brakes when we needed them.

Heavenly Father is our rearview mirror. 

He has given us the tools to arm ourselves, to make sure that we are in tune and aware of potential spiritual dangers or trials.

He is the head of the bike. 

He steers us, and takes us where we don't even know where we want to go,

and shows us how beautiful our life is.

Third, when we headed up that steep hill, there was no warning other than, "This area looks familiar, BAM, there's THAT hill!"

Andrea cheered me on, helped me focus and when she knew I was struggling, she guided us around. I am sure she knew that I wouldn't make it up that hill, but she let me think I was going to and let me go as far as I could.  

She saw my efforts and then guided me away.

How many times do we have trials where our spiritual legs are burning?

Where our legs just want to give out and we wonder, who put that stupid hill here anyhow?

When we realize that the strength we thought we had, all of sudden is a giant weakness?

I know Heavenly Father will give us trials, it is just part of our Earthly ride.

And He will be there to help us, to cheer us on when we head up a steep hill.

I also feel that Heavenly Father will let us use our agency to make our own choices.

BUT, regardless of where we get ourselves, He will be there when we decide we need Him.

He will help us turn around, and give us the best coast you could imagine.

When we turned around to just coast down that hill I once wanted to curse at,

I smiled (with my mouth shut) and just enjoyed how hard we had worked to get up half of it!

We could now enjoy that hill, and I enjoyed the beauty around us.

Again, I'm really grateful Andrea was leading us because she applied the brakes slightly when we were going to fast, and guided us to that we wouldn't slam into garbage trucks or cars at 31 mph.

Sometimes, when we are on our easy ride, just coasting along,

we can lose sight of how important it is to stay close to Heavenly Father.

We think our life is going great, life can't get better, and if we are not careful, we can run into danger and get seriously hurt.

I know there are times in my life that I feel I can't do something.

But when my desires are good, when I can find courage to believe in myself,

I will find a new passion, new strength to do more.

Bad lighting, we know, but its still my trophy!

At this time in my life, I won't be able to invest in street bikes and padded pants and everything else I'd need, but I do know I've tried it, LOVED it,

and I am no longer terrified of street biking.

I know how to prepare myself for tough journeys, and as I strengthen myself physically and spiritually, I can do hard things!

Its a beautiful thing.

My challenge to you?

Find one thing you thought you'd love to do, but thought you'd never actually do it,

AND DO IT!!

From sewing on a button,

running around the block without stopping,

or signing up for your first 5K (me).
Find it, conquer it (even if its not pretty)
and do it.

I can promise you, you will find an inner strength and learn something about yourself you didn't know.

Now get! 

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The Quieter Voice

I have this sister who once in my life was probably my greatest enemy. 

We just did not understand each other.

We borrowed each others clothes, shared a room, 

she read my journals and left funny notes in them to let me know she read them.

We were teenagers together and just loved to be in each others space.

There was a time where we tried growing up and sharing an apartment which was fun and I think the start of a great friendship.  However, there were still some harsh feelings and we hadn't completely mended them until years later when she and I were pregnant together, had little girls months apart from each other and really starting understanding each other.

Now, she is easily one of my best friends.

We talk several times a week if not every day, cheer each other on, and let our kids make silly faces with their cousins.

She lives a long way away, and I really hope one day that the Universe will allow us to be neighbors.  I love her.

She has been through a lot in her life, and has become a very inspirational person to me.

She believes in me, encourages me and helps me want to be a better me.

Today we were talking about a few things, how we have measured our success as mothers, wives, women and where we are in our life.

Have we become who we thought we were when we were kids?

Are we allowing ourselves the opportunities we need to be better?

What are we doing to better ourselves and help the world be better?

THOSE kinds of questions.

We hung up the phone, she texted me a small list of good books she's been inspired by and I hopped in the shower.

Then this thought came.

You know the kind that is almost too quiet to hear, but you do?

The thought that said, "You can do this! You will succeed!"

Then almost instantly a louder voice said,

"But WHAT IF YOU FAIL?"

It got me thinking that there are SO many times in my life that I have let the louder voice win. The loud voice that scoffs at me, (yes in my head), says 

"no way", 

or "do you really think you can do THAT?"

And then my reasoning goes like this,

"You're right. That'll be hard.

And I'll probably change my mind and not want to do it anymore..."

And then I go about my way finding something else that I think I'd love,

and then watch the cycle repeat itself.

You all may think I have schizophrenia with all these voices I have,

rest assured I don't.

But I do have an inner battle with the loud voice and quieter voice.

I believe I was carved out of excellence.

I have always done something and succeeded because its what I do.

(Insert humble voice even though it doesn't sound this way)

If I wanted something to happen, I'd do it.

But lately, I have been feeling like I have been waiting for something to happen.

You know the thoughts that go,

"When 'X' happens, then 'Y' will happen which means endless happiness"

Honestly, I am getting really tired of waiting for 'X' to happen.

I'm tired of letting the louder voice win!

SO my goal is to focus on the quieter voice.

The one that has been faded by doubt.

The voice that has been pushed aside because of fear.

The voice that BELIEVES in me.

I know it sounds nuts,

but until you are at the point that I am at in my life, 

just trust me when I say I'm not nuts.

I'm just ready for greatness.

I'm ready to BE, to DO, and to LOVE IT!!

Great things are going to happen to me because I am gonna make them that way!

You may not see it,

but I'm gonna feel it!
And I want my kids to see that.
I want them to make that quieter voice the winning one.

My challenge to you?

Find one thing you want to do to be a better you!

If thats eating more carrots,

painting on a blank canvas,

picking your nose less (preferably in public),

or connecting to family,

DO IT!

And post below and tell me what you are gonna do!!

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